I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
