Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
