Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Randomize
