it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
