guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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