I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
