3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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