Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
