forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
