Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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