Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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