there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
