Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
