his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
