My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
