I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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