your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize