My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Drake has all the answers
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
