A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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