Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
time to smoke my breakfast
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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