So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
