tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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