Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
