I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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