Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
