It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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