Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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