Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
