Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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