I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
