Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
