after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
