just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
