things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
i think i just lost a toe
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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