1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
