I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
