I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize