I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Randomize
