I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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