There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
