Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
