sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
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