I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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