dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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