Have you finally orgasmed yet?
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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