umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
