Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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