I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
