I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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