I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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