I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize