Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
