I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
