he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize