this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
