One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
the day after is always just damage control
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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