Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You ate ashes out of my bong
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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